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I feel stupid for falling back into my complacency.
Looking back on the last few weeks, X was only a "mensh" for a bout 24 hours when he needed something from me- which was to facilitate our sons visit in the mountains.
Once that was accomplished he returned to his old nasty and selfish self.

Why do I get sucked in every time?
Why?
Why cant I see him for what he is?
A selfish man who cares only about himself and his own needs.

His mean act for today is his attempt to "legally" kick my daughter out from day camp because he does not want to pay for a second month.
My daughter is embarrassed and devastated too. She is loving her camp and has made a lot of new friends. X tried to trick her into leaving on her own. He invited her to the bungalow for Shabbos but when she asked if she could be back in the city in time for Monday morning camp, he responded angrily "I'm not a magician!"

When she got off the phone she turned to me and exclaimed: "I'm not going to tatty because hes not a magician."

Im glad shes not going because I know that once she was in his care, he would no doubt "persuade" her to stay. He has done it before- telling her how lonely he is, and that he wants her to keep him company. Sometimes he tells her that he has no money.....She feels guilty (Shes really little) and she gets sucked into his horribleness.

My son who is thank Gd now in overnight camp, was too scared to tell me on the phone that he wanted to come home for Shabbos. X was planning to drive into New York for Shabbos and leave my son alone in the bungalow! My son called me to tell me the situation, but he was whispering and I couldnt hear properly. I finally managed to understand what he was saying. He told me that it was okay for him to stay in the bungalow alone- that he didnt mind. I immediately called X and told him that I would be coming on Thursday to pick him up. In the end X brought him himself.

Why does he always have to make everything into a saga?
And why was my son scared to tell me that he wanted to come home? :(

Will X ever become a mensh?
I think at this age it most likely too late.
It seems he has forgotten about his heart attack-

Monday July 23, 2012

07/23/2012

4 Comments

I found this picture while browsing the internet.
The picture spoke to me.
The tears are stark on the whiteness of the woman's skin- they cannot be ignored.

Sometimes I know I want to cry but I cannot find the tears.

I have been feeling sad, but I do not know exactly why. This is common with survivors of trauma- there are times when I feel disconnected and far away from what is happening around me.

Perhaps my feelings of hopelessness have something to do with the fact that I was denied a mortgage because X did not pay the minimum on OUR credit card bill.

Of course he was smart enough to remove his own name from the visa, so that his credit remained intact.

Judge Morgenstern had told him that he must pay the minimum on the card.
He neglected to pay, even after numerous warnings from my attorney and the judge. By the time he was forced to pay the full amount, it was too late- my credit was ruined.
As a result I am left with no way to get a mortgage and no place to live once I leave my home.

Is that why I feel sad?
It is a likely cause.
I feel scared and alone. How will I support my children? X feels no responsibility towards them, other than his legal obligations. I have custody of one of my sons who is going to overnight camp. I managed to buy everything he needs besides for undershirts and socks. I didnt have time before X took him up to the mountains for a week before camp.
I told my son that when he goes to Walmart with X he can buy the few things he is missing.
He refused to buy them for him. I must mention that he bought him shampoo and toothpaste- but would not give him anything else.
In the end I just gave him money so that he could purchase the things he needed.

The enormity of my role in supporting my children feels overwhelming.
I thought I could do it.
I knew I could do it.
And now this.
I dont know where to turn.
Not sure what my next step needs to be. I have been ready to move out for a while, and all of a sudden I have no place to go- No place for me and my children.

I must get a hold of myself and figure out a way to move beyond this cloud of darkness.

4 Comments

Motzei Shabbos July 21, 2012. 10:00pm

07/21/2012

[

From now on I will refer to my husband as X , because it is approaching one year since we separated and I very much feel as though he is an ex.... even though he has yet to give me a "get" (Jewish divorce) ]

X has behaved disgustingly - what a surprise! (not)

When I first informed him that I was leaving the marriage (one year ago) one of the first things he did besides cutting me and our children off financially- was that he blamed our oldest child for the break up of our marriage. Ludicrous of course, but he needed to blame someone so he chose her.
After he had his fill of bad - mouthing our daughter to any person who would listen, he abandoned not only her, but our son in law together with our baby grandchild.
He went out of his way to not only ignore them but to acknowledge publicly that he would no longer play the role of father to his daughter nor Zeidy to his grandchild.

It was a painful time for my daughter.
She was abandoned by the only father she ever knew and there was nothing she could do about it. The worst thing was that she had never done anything to deserve such treatment. I must add here that I believe that even if a child behaves in a way that angers or hurts a parent, no child deserves to be abandoned by them. parent. It is a terrible thing for a child to endure. This situation was made that much worse by the fact that she has always been a model child, trying her utmost to please and do the right thing.

With a lot of support my daughter and her brand new family moved forward and were grateful that their baby was fortunate enough to have another zeidy who dotes on him.

Last week however, my son -in-law received a phone call from his parents. He was surprised to see that the name on the caller ID was from X's bungalow. After much prodding, my son in law found out that his parents were on vacation upstate. Apparently they had been invited to spend the summer together with X.

We were shocked.
My daughter felt abandoned and betrayed all over again.
Her father has refused to acknowledge her existence for an entire year, and now he has invited her in- laws to stay with him, where they happily accepted a free vacation.

I relayed this story to a friend and I didnt realize how hurt I felt for my daughter until tears fell from my eyes as I was talking.
I feel horrible that I am not able to protect my daughter from the emotional pain she suffers from her father. I saved her from one father (my first marriage) believing she would be safe with my new husband, only to fall into the hands of another abuser.

It is hard as a mother to feel so helpless to protect ones child.
I have tried to protect her, but I did not succeed.
From the very beginning X punished me for my daughters follies.
I found myself in an impossible situation where I dreaded being abused because of my children' s "Aveiros" - so I tried to hide their childish behaviors from X so that I wouldn't suffer the consequences. It was a vicious cycle due to the fact that X always found an infraction, even when it was too small to notice.

One of the things he became angry about during the last couple of years was my internet usage and movie viewing. I used the internet a lot, but I wasn't so into watching movies. When I became very depressed I used it as a distraction. I used my daughters Netflix subscription because of course there was no other way for me to have access to movies.

X was angry all the time, and whenever he couldn't recall what he was angry about he used the "movie situation" as an excuse. He blamed my daughter for having an ipod and bringing in shmutz and avoidah zora into HIS house. And because I am her mother I was to blame because obviously I was not controlling her well enough.

A few years ago, X started bringing home DVDs which he spent most of each night watching. He couldn't get up in the morning for minyan, and he could barely keep his eyes open in his classroom where he is a Rebbi. He told me that the reason he was watching movies was because our daughter had movies on her ipod which gave him the Yetzer Horah (evil inclination) to watch, and therefore he could not control himself and he had to watch. He explained that it was HER fault first and then it was MY fault because I was not controlling her.

Not long ago I found out that his Yetzer Horah had been active during his first marriage too. He would go to hotels on vacation and spend all his time watching TV. I wonder whose fault it was then!

X has spent many hours [mostly at the Shabbos table] lecturing about the evils of movie viewing. He as also yelled and screamed and cursed myself and the children on the tumah (filth) that we have brought into our home. The children knew that he was watching movies on his lap top under his blankets in bed.

They knew, but they remained silent.

Currently in the bungalow he spends his nights watching movies and surfing the internet.

My children know this about him.

I am not sure what they think.

I have told them that even though tatty watches movies and he doesn't allow them to watch, it doesn't mean he is a bad father.

I am unsure how to explain his hypocrisy.

It is difficult because we have all suffered so much from the hypocrisy of his whole family.

When I took the lap top a few months ago, the "Rosh Yeshivah" called my attorney to say that I had stolen X's laptop and that he needed it back immediately. When asked why it was so important, his response was; "Try taking water away from a thirsty man!"

Hypocrisy is a hard concept to understand about ones own parent.

He has taken my son to the library up in the Catskills - something which was punishable not a few months ago.

I do not know how to explain to my son, that last year he was not allowed to take out books from the library, but this year it is okay.

My children are confused.

I am confused and hurt and angry.

I am Begin to feel hate towards X.

Perhaps that is a good thing. Until now I have not felt much emotion towards him.

But now the anger and betrayal is worming its way to the surface.

I do not like the way it feels, but I imagine it is necessary in order to heal from my abusive marriage.

Motzei Shabbos July 21, 2012. 9:00pm

07/21/2012

I wrote the following story just over a year ago.
It was posted on a blog, and subsequently taken down because of my own reaction to writing this story publicly. I am in a much better place than I was then, and also I have already written about my father in a previous post.
It is repetitious I know, but I choose to post it, because it has played an important part in my life- past-present and future.

WARNING: This story may be extremely triggering for incest survivors! The content includes graphic descriptions of sexual abuse and may be disturbing to other readers.

Preface by Yerachmiel Lopin.
Over a year ago I wrote a fable about a Rabbi Menachem Besdin who delivers a drashah where he says, Rabbossai, there are certain things we avoid because of modesty. Usually that is good but not always. You don’t want a surgeon who is afraid to look. You don’t want a policeman who is too shy to shout. You cannot keep your clothing on when you go to a mikvah. In our matzav now we need to tell some people to stop, we need a surgeon to remove a cancer, and we need to purify our kehilla. So we must talk about unpleasant things. The survivor account below is graphic and may offend some readers. I am posting it because I think the community needs to better appreciate the ways in which sexual abuse tampers with children’s emotions and well-being. I have read too many insensitive comments. I see this story as a partial corrective. The author of this piece, who uses the pseudonym, Dina Levye, is an adult survivor of abuse who is also a wife and mother in the religious Jewish world. Like most other survivors, she does not publicly speak about her abuse. Her story could be the story of any of your friends, neighbors, and family members.

SINS OF THE FATHERS -- Guest Post by Dina Levye

She walks to school every day, head down, shuffling feet on the wet pavement. She walks slowly, each step carefully chosen. Her hair is smooth and shiny and her eyes, large and green are filled with deep sorrow. She is tall for her age, she just started first grade and she is one of the tallest in her class. As she walks, she feels as though a fog has descended upon her, and she has difficulty thinking, her mind feels heavy and thick.
She wants to run to school like the other girls, but her step is heavy and slow. Sometimes she feels as though she is climbing a mountain but she will never reach the top.

That night she climbs into bed with a pile of books at her side. She loves to immerse herself in the magic and fairy tales of her books. Although she is only six years old, she is a ferocious reader and visits the library often. Her books help her forget, they allow her a vision into happiness and magic. Soon she is tired and she falls asleep with the book still clasped in her hands.

Not long after she has fallen asleep, there is a sound on the staircase. Her father is walking softly in his bedroom slippers, towards his daughter’s room. He slips inside, and quietly sits on her bed. He stays still for a moment, watching her pretty face with the thick lashes resting on her cheeks. The room is dark except for a sliver of moonlight reaching through the curtains. She stirs in her sleep, her eyes are closed, but she knows that the strange dream is happening. She feels her nightgown being lifted and the hands begin to touch. Her skin is warm and the hands move gently along her chest, over her flat belly and on down into her frilly pink panties.

This is a strange dream, where is the person to whom the hands belong? Her eyes are closed, she is afraid to look, she is afraid to see who is sitting on her bed. And the hands continue their journey across her small body, making his breath quicken and his heart beat faster. All of a sudden he reaches into his pajamas and abruptly rises to stand closer to his little girls face. He whispers to her to open her mouth. She turns towards him and in her dream she opens wide her mouth.

As she sees the pink hardness come towards her, she suddenly feels herself lift out of her bed and float softly to the ceiling. She hovers gently over the bed, and watches in fascination as the girl in the bed begins to cough. White liquid is dripping from the sides of her mouth, and she wonders where it came from. The father moans quietly, and pulls up his pants. He then turns towards his little girl, and cries.

The girl sees the tears on her daddy’s face and deep down she knows she has committed a terrible sin.

Thursday July 12, 2012 12:50am

07/12/2012

I am feeling a lot less helpless today and a lot more hopeful.
Thank you dear readers for your comments.
You give me courage you really do, so thank you for sharing in this journey of mine.

Things on the divorce end are quiet.
Small situations flare up here and there, but I have learned not to allow them to create a negative impact on me. My husband wants some of the kids to visit him upstate for a week or more. I encouraged them to go and spend time with their father. So the very next day one of my sons told me that he wants to go to the mountains but that Tatty told him that once he is there he can only leave when he gets permission from him and that he cannot call mommy and ask to picked up.
My son was clearly upset and confused about whether he wanted to go or not. And then to make matters worse I got a text from my husband saying; "I may come in to the city either today, tomorrow or whenever, or I may not come at all but make sure the kids are ready".

I immediately realized that I no longer had to play his games.
In the past I would have panicked and rushed to prepare everything so that the moment he "decided" to arrive I would be ready. This time however- using my new found skills I sent him a text informing him that before I allowed any of the children to drive up to the mountains with him he would have to talk to me directly and plan appropriately.

I could not believe it when he called me very soon after.
We actually had a decent conversation- which is the first time we have talked in a normal fashion since we separated a year ago. I offered to drive them up to the bungalow but that he would need to pay for the gas. He immediately argued and said that I should find a ride for them, because there was no way he was going to pay for my gas!

To cut a long story short I agreed to his demand that "its only fair for each of us to pay one way".
After I told this to a friend, she said that if he wants to see his kids then it makes sense that he should pay for their transportation. After thinking about it I realized she had a good point. So I sent my husband one more text telling him that if I drove then he would have to pay for the gas.
Lo and behold he agreed!

In the end he came in and took one of the kids.
The others are in day camp and they don't even know if they want to go.

All is well that ends well, and I pray that this new line of communication with my husband will continue for ever and ever.

Monday July 9, 2012, 11:00pm

07/09/2012

3 Comments

People in the community do not get it.
Some are stupidly naive while others are wickedly aware yet choose to pretend not to "get it".
So often people will say things like: "Why did he wait 40 years to come forward to say that he was sexually abused"?
Or they might ask what was so terrible about a teacher touching a child inappropriately - it only happened once, or the child was fully dressed.

The most common trend in our frum communities is one of shock and outrage (when they hear that someone has been accused of sexual abuse) and they say things to the effect of: " I know him so well", or "He has davened in my shul for the last 25 years".
People make these comments with such conviction and self righteousness that they almost believe that a person cannot be accused just because he is well known in the community.

Little do they realize that the reason most pedophiles are well known is because they choose jobs such as teachers, Rebbeim or youth counselors, among other professions, so that they can have easy access to children.

It makes me feel so helpless and angry when I know that there are perpetrators molesting children right now as I write this blog. There are people running day camp programs, and youth organizations who have access to hundreds of kids.
My heart fills with pain and rage because I know that there are people in positions of authority who know what goes on, but choose to remain silent and do nothing.

I cry because I know the pain and sorrow that can fill a small soul when his body has been violated in such an intimate and terrible manner.
I know it only too well.
I imagine thee little boys climbing on to the school bus every morning, their small legs hardly able to get up the steps. Their hearts filled with sadness and perhaps fear because they know what awaits them....

Why?
Why am I so helpless?
Why can I not do anything to save the little boys and girls?
Why has Gd put me in a position of "knowing" yet helpless to stop these horrific crimes from being committed under our very noses?
I ask why?
And the silence is loud.

3 Comments

Sunday July 8, 2012, 3:00am

07/08/2012

I think that one of the most terrible consequences of incest is that the victim often feels it was their fault.

After my father molested me he shed tears.
He made eye contact, stared at me and then cried.
I was 5 years old and all I could think of was; "I had made my daddy cry- I must be a wicked child because I had hurt my daddy"
He projected his guilt and anger onto me, so that for the rest of my life I would feel that I had hurt him, instead of what really happened.

It is so terribly sad that the child who has been hurt so badly, then feels guilty as though it were her fault.
It is not fair.
No child should have to experience such deep feelings of guilt.

My (soon to be ex) husband knew a lot about what had happened to me as a child and he was also aware about what happened as a teenage bride married to a psychopath. And even though he knew he made a choice to continue the cycle of abuse.
Often he would ask me to relate details of my first husbands sexual violence against me. He would ask me when we were in bed together. It took me a long time to realize that he was getting turned on by my descriptions of sexual violence.

He would put his hand on my body and ask me; "Did he do this?" or "Was it like this?" and he would act out what I was describing.
I told this to a friend who immediately told me that my husband was exploiting my past abuse for his own pleasure.
I know I am supposed to feel anger, or disgust, or ....something.
Instead I feel nothing.
I don't feel any anger towards him.
I don't feel hurt.
I feel nothing.

I kind of feel guilty for even talking publicly (anonymously) about these things.
I write about it because I feel it is important for people to understand every aspect of an abusive relationship.

I suppose the above was not bad in comparison to other things.
But even "not so bad" still needs to be told.

Sunday July 1, 2012, 9:00pm

07/02/2012

adkaneditor@gmail.com

Open letter to my husbands brothers and sister.

Dear XXXXXXX

I have been your sister in law for 20 years.
We have always had a decent relationship. When any of you needed a place to stay, my house was open to you.
When your elderly and abusive father needed somewher to spend Pesach, I was the one who volunteered to host him, even though he was an angry old man, so much so that my kids were often frightened of his aggressiveness.

I know that you as a family have always looked down on me.
You did not like my clothes and you did not like (jealous perhaps?) the fact that I was not overweight and ugly like the Rebbetzens you married.
I enjoyed wearing bright happy clothes, and I dressed my kids in a similar fashion, while all of you walked around wearing dark, shapeless pieces of cloth hanging loosely from your heavy frames.

And then there was the fact that I listened to music in my house or in my car. But even worse was that I allowed my family to listen to "goishe" music for example Avrohom Fried, or MBD. If you heard this kind of music playing you would immediately humiliate and degrade my husband for "allowing" his family to be moving towards Of The Derech.

Although you viewed me in a negative manner, I was still able to maintain some semblance of family and friendship. I was closer to one of you in particular (you know who you are).
Whenever M yelled at me, or tried to kick one our children out of the house, because he felt they were chutzpadik or dressed in a way he didnt approve of, I would call you on the phone and cry and pour out my heart.
You would tell me to call up a Rabbi and ask him what to do.
But the Rabbis I called never had any advice for me.

I remember one time that M told me that I had to choose between my daughter and himself.
That I could not "have" both.
When the words came out of his mouth and sunk into my brain I felt as though I was suffocating. How could I choose between my husband and my child?
I called you dear sister-in-law and sobbed my heart out.
I begged you to help me, and you tried.
You spoke to your brother and told him that he needs to work on himself and that he must not threaten me.
But M never listened to you, and his systematic emotional torture of myself and my family increased.

As time went on my situation deteriorated. I was seeking you out more and more and there were even times when the pain and fear were so overwhelming I told you that I would rather die than have to live one more day with M's abuse.

I recall that you began to tell me that you could no longer listen to me describe my failing marriage.
At some point you said that you could not listen to my stories of your brother abusing us because it was too triggering and reminded you of your own childhood, and your fathers abusive treatment of yourself, your siblings and your mother. You also refused to allow me to talk about what he was doing to me in the bedroom. You explained that you would not be able to sleep at night if I described the things that your brother was doing to me.

Do you know how isolated and scared I felt, when even you were no longer able to help me?

You watched from afar for 19 years as your brother tortured us.
You were aware of what was happening.
You knew that he had physically assaulted his first wife and had been arrested, and you were aware that I had been abused in MY first marriage. You knew that I was a vulnerable woman without supportive family or friends to stand up for me against your brother.

All of you were aware of all the above- beginning with your brothers miserliness with regards to money and all the way to his physical and emotional abuse.( I will give you the benefit of the doubt that none of you were ware of the sexual abuse)

You were aware yet you did nothing to help me and my young children.

I finally built up courage to leave him and all of you immediately turned your backs upon me and my children.
Not only did you pretend that we did not exist, but one of you - the Rosh Yeshivah accompanied your brother to court numerous times and helped him lie to Judge Morgenstern.

One of you allowed me to talk to you on your cell phone.
After the conversation I felt unheard and hurt.
So I opened up my heart and sent you a bold and couragous text.
I described the pain and suffering I had suffered at the hands of your brother. I needed you to know and understand me, I wanted your empathy and your learned wisdom to offer advice for my anguished sole.
I opened up to you and told you things I had never before shared with anyone.
I confided in you regarding the sexual abuse I had suffered.
I felt better once I had told you what he had done to me, until you returned my text with one sentence:
"I forgive you telling me lies and loshon horah about my brother, because the Torah says that he who talks in anger shall not be held accountable"

I felt like an animal who was being kicked over and over until he falls over and can no longer stand up.
I was alone and I needed your family.
I was so naive, and I still believed in goodness of the human spirit so I waited for you to call me to find out if I was ok, and how I was managing with no money.
Alas you did not call.
Not one of you contacted me.
Not one.
Instead you made harassing phone calls to my cell phone telling me to "give him one more chance".
You were oblivious to my pain and anguish.
All you cared about was the bad name you might get when the community found out that your brother was getting divorced a second time.

The day that the Rosh Yeshivah came to my house and tried to force his way through my front door without my consent, was the day that I knew deep inside myself that your family of "Benei Torah", which is how you proudly describe yourselves was nothing more than a way to hide your real selves. You wear the long black coats and carry seforim under your arms, while your women smirk and boast about how they work on their tznius and davening.

And the naive and unsuspecting people in our communities believe that you are a truly pious family.
They do not know what is hidden under the black and white garments.
They cannot see the anger and bitterness in your souls.

I thank Hashem for opening my eyes to your betrayal and for helping me see who you really are.

I hope for your sake that one day Gd can forgive.