One of the most difficult things for me as a survivor is the fact that I get triggered so easily. Those of you who have been in therapy will understand the meaning of this concept. I have been working for many years on recovery from the sexual abuse I suffered as a young child, never realizing that being in an ongoing abusive marriage served as a trigger from the past trauma. In other words, as long as I was allowing myself to be abused emotionally, and yes unfortunately sexually too, I could not heal from my childhood trauma.
Today i felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I often have difficulty trying to connect the sadness or any emotion for that matter to an actual event. This makes the sorrow all the more profound and confusing. My kids want to know why mommy is so sad today? What can i tell them? I have no answers. What do you tell your children? That a Rabbi molested me when I was a child, and now years later I still feel the pain and sorrow?
I cannot do that - I cannot tell my children what happened to me.
How can I burden them with this terrible knowledge?
So many questions...and not very many good answers.
I live with the pain, and yet I have much joy in my life too. I have my children and my friends. I am an artist and I use my creative talent to express my pain as well as my feelings of happiness and joy.
Sometimes the pain and pleasure get confused. But I live with that too.
I hope and pray that tomorrow will lessen the pain,
Today has been a particularly bad PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) day. For me this means that I suffer from nightmares about being chased and hurt. (mostly raped) It also means that I feel a tremendous amount of anxiety about small things, For example, shopping for food, and cooking supper seem so difficult, even though I have been doing these chores every day for many years. I feel tired and wish I could sleep all day. I know that when this happens I need to fight against it with all my strength. I worry alot about money which is stressful. Soon I have a court hearing for child support. These court hearings are so anxiety producing, and I daven that my husband will settle in beis din, so that our (kids) suffering will not continue to be long and drawn-out. I am working on my self esteem. My marriage has not helped with this. My husband spent a lot of time belittling me (in front of our children) and yelling at me. Name calling and telling me that I am a bad and worthless mother, only served to increase my negative self image. Boruch Hashem I have a kind and caring therapist, who is helping me regain confidence in myself. It is hard work, but I can see results, I often feel better than I ever have before, and as a result my kids are happier too. Being molested as a child can wreak havoc on a persons adult life. I would love some of the Rabbonim to read my blog. Perhaps then they would understand what the long reaching effects of child sexual abuse are. And how we are effected every single day of our lives. Do you think if they read a first hand account of the difficulties survivors of abuse face, they might feel more compassion to the abused rather than to the accused?
I wonder....
i am lucky enough to have a great therapist for my son. At least I think he's good. He plays board games with him, and sometimes they do arts and crafts together. I think this is typical for kids who are in therapy. There does not seem to have been much talking done yet, but apparently my son needs to feel safe in order to begin communicating. (Unfortunately, today my husband told him that he had better not tell his therapist anything bad about him- talk about having a safe place!)
Its fine with me, especially since my insurance is paying for the sessions- my husband is not paying child support-yet. Hopefully one day he will wake up and realize that he has a bunch of kids who need food and clothing. He is making an excellent salary, so money is not an issue- its his warped way of thinking that is the issue here.
The day after I mentioned that I wanted a divorce, all my credit cards were canceled, except of course the one which was in my name only. He stopped paying the bills that were not to his gain- such as my cell phone, and internet service.
He basically left us with no money.
And so I did the obvious, I went to his boss, a frum (Rabbi) man, who said that he would love to help me, but he was so sorry that he couldn't. Next I went to his family- also prominent Rabbonim in the community- and they too said- we would love to help but we cant get involved.
I have lots more to say on this matter, but I will leave it for another time. Needless to say, my children and I are existing on food stamps alone, and we are happy with less food and a peaceful home.
This is my first post, and i feel very anxious. Am i doing something wrong? Bad? By writing publicly, even though i am writing anonymously? Lots of worry thoughts, and also hope that you will take the time to read and respond. I have always wanted to reach out to people, talk to people, so this blog is perfect.
This week was an "off" Shabbos for many Yeshivahs, including my own boys. This is the first week my sons have been home without "Tatty" being in the house. I think they were worried about how things would be without their father present to make Kiddush and sing Zemiros.
In the end it was beautiful.
There was no angry father yelling at the kids not to talk, or get out of their seats.
There was no angry father objecting to conversations that were not "Shabbosdik"!
There was no father forcing the kids to put their finger on the place in their benschers to make sure they sang every single letter in the Zemiros.
Very simply, there was no reign of terror.
Instead our Shabbos table was peaceful, we sang songs that we all enjoyed- songs from Tehilim, and Miami Boys Choir, and Matisyahu. The atmosphere was one of calm togetherness something we have never experienced as a family.
Even though divorce is not an easy ride.....the knowledge that the reign of terror is over, brings me profound inner peace.
A Gud Voch to you all.
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