| August 1989 My baby is due to be born in just one week. I am excited and scared at the same time. M's mother decides that we need to sleep in her house in case I have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. I lamely argue without much energy, because I do not want to sleep in M's house. My small show of resistance does not however even dent my mother in laws demands. That night we set up two thin mattresses on the floor of the kitchen in M's house. His brothers, sisters and parents occupy the three bedrooms. There is a large rounded opening which leads into the living- the opening has a white net curtain hanging for a modicum of privacy. The curtain of course provides little concealment if any. It is thin and does not reach the walls on either side, and it can be pulled wide with the flick of a wrist. I lower my swollen body down to the mattress which lies on the tiled floor of the kitchen and soon M comes to lie down beside me. Suddenly M leans towards me and whispers that we are going to have sex. I slowly turn towards him sure that he is joking. Chuckling I and remind him that we are at this moment lying on the floor of his moms kitchen with only a thin curtain between ourselves and the rest of his family. |  |
He smirks, shrugs and disregards what I have just told him.
I try to pull away from his touch, but my resistance only spurs him on.
He is determined to do this, and no amount of begging would have him change his mind. He makes me undress and then disrobes himself. My heart pounds hard inside my chest, I feel as though I can no longer breathe. I realize that the more I fight the more likely it is that someone from his family will hear and come to investigate.
I lie quietly praying and hoping that no one will catch us in the act. I feel exposed and horrified that I am naked and being forced to have sex in an open space not 15 feet from my in- laws bedroom. I feel sick and disgusted with myself and my body. I wish I could be struck dead so that I do not have to experience this horrible emotional pain which is buried deep inside myself.
In the end I am spared the humiliation of someone walking in on us. I eventually fall into a restless sleep which has its own set of horrors awaiting me. I rarely sleep without experiencing nightmares.
The next day I go into labor, and I am grateful that I can sleep in a hospital bed, safe and far away from "them".
I try to pull away from his touch, but my resistance only spurs him on.
He is determined to do this, and no amount of begging would have him change his mind. He makes me undress and then disrobes himself. My heart pounds hard inside my chest, I feel as though I can no longer breathe. I realize that the more I fight the more likely it is that someone from his family will hear and come to investigate.
I lie quietly praying and hoping that no one will catch us in the act. I feel exposed and horrified that I am naked and being forced to have sex in an open space not 15 feet from my in- laws bedroom. I feel sick and disgusted with myself and my body. I wish I could be struck dead so that I do not have to experience this horrible emotional pain which is buried deep inside myself.
In the end I am spared the humiliation of someone walking in on us. I eventually fall into a restless sleep which has its own set of horrors awaiting me. I rarely sleep without experiencing nightmares.
The next day I go into labor, and I am grateful that I can sleep in a hospital bed, safe and far away from "them".
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