My baby was beautiful.
I loved every moment of being a mother.
I felt so proud walking in the street with her and showing off my pretty little girl.
Looking back, I think she saved my life.
I had no reason to go on- but i knew i had to take care of my child.
I was in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I never knew when M would explode.
The only way he knew how to have sex was when he was angry.
He would find any excuse to fuel his rage and use it to satisfy his physical needs.
One day he came home in a foul mood. I immediately noticed that something was wrong.
He walked through the door and pounced upon me. Luckily the baby was in her room so she did not witness his violence.
He threw me against the wall and wound his strong fingers around my neck.
He began to squeeze and I screamed in terror.
But his fingers tightened until I saw flashes of yellow in front of my eyes.
I dont remember what happened next.
I must have blacked out, because the next thing I remember is M holding a knife and cutting the shirt from my body.
He held the knife against my breasts and between thin lips he snarled that he was going to cut them off.
Again I dont remember what happened next.
But soon I found myself lying on my bed with M on top of me.
I could not think.
My breath came in short gasps.
I opened my mouth to scream, but he was quicker than me, because out shot his hand which he used to cover my mouth and inadvertently my nose.
"You are giving me a headache" he hissed.
"I don not like it when you make so much noise", he spat.
I tried to take a deep breath, but his large hand successfully closed off even the smallest bit of air.
I tried to move my head but that caused him to clamp down even harder.
I panicked- total and utter panic.
I wanted my brain to think, but my head felt as though it were floating.
I tried to formulate words and thoughts,but the lack of oxygen caused my mind to shut down.
I knew I was dying, but I wanted to live.
All of a sudden he removed his hand.
Sweet air filled my body.
I opened my mouth wide and the air rushed in.
I was alive....
Until the next time.