Today has been a particularly bad PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) day. For me this means that I suffer from nightmares about being chased and hurt. (mostly raped) It also means that I feel a tremendous amount of anxiety about small things, For example, shopping for food, and cooking supper seem so difficult, even though I have been doing these chores every day for many years. I feel tired and wish I could sleep all day. I know that when this happens I need to fight against it with all my strength. I worry alot about money which is stressful. Soon I have a court hearing for child support. These court hearings are so anxiety producing, and I daven that my husband will settle in beis din, so that our (kids) suffering will not continue to be long and drawn-out. I am working on my self esteem. My marriage has not helped with this. My husband spent a lot of time belittling me (in front of our children) and yelling at me. Name calling and telling me that I am a bad and worthless mother, only served to increase my negative self image. Boruch Hashem I have a kind and caring therapist, who is helping me regain confidence in myself. It is hard work, but I can see results, I often feel better than I ever have before, and as a result my kids are happier too. Being molested as a child can wreak havoc on a persons adult life. I would love some of the Rabbonim to read my blog. Perhaps then they would understand what the long reaching effects of child sexual abuse are. And how we are effected every single day of our lives. Do you think if they read a first hand account of the difficulties survivors of abuse face, they might feel more compassion to the abused rather than to the accused?
I wonder....
I wonder....
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