Continued
(First marriage to M)
Deep inside myself I knew that my life would never be the same. Everything looked, felt and smelled different. The sun seemed less bright and the nights were dark and thick. I did not understand what had happened, I did not understand what M had done. All I knew was that something terrible had happened to me and I was powerless to change it.
In retrospect what M did to me that night must have triggered the long lost and painful memories of my being molested by my father as a child. I did not remember that I had ben sexually abused at that time, it was only years later after much therapy that the memories came to light.
M had apparently decided that since he had touched me once, and I did not react in any way, he could now use my body in any way he pleased.
I, on the other hand believed that I had committed such a terrible aveirah that Hashem was punishing me and I no longer had any choice but to do what M asked.
He began to ask me to meet him in all kinds of secluded places, such as parks or his car. Each time we met he spent the time touching my body. I believed that I would go straight to Gehenom for allowing him to do these things. But i did not know how to tell him to stop. It was as though i was trapped in a terrible nightmare from which i would never awaken.
My life became dark and frightening. The days blended into each other until I didn’t know which day of the week it was. I felt as though everyone could see what was happening to me. My skin felt raw and full of shame.
I watched myself trudge through the minutes and hours of the days as though I was seeing myself through a computer screen. I told no one what was happening, I was too filled with shame and contempt for my body and my self.
M told me that this was normal, and that all frum couples touch each other when they go on dates. I knew he was lying, but sometimes I wasnt so sure and I began to beieve his stories.
After a few weeks of being molested by M, I decided that I needed to ask a Rov a sheilah about what to do in this terrible situation. Maybe a Rabbi could help me get out of the terrible things that were happening to me.
I was not prepared for the Rovs response. He asked me only one question: “Is he touching you inappropriately? I responded in the affirmative.
He then told me that I must marry him. I was astounded but relieved also, because I was really afraid that i may be pregnant.
To be continued
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