Someone commented that I should give my husband some slack about his lack of davening and learning. I agree that it must not be easy for frum men to have to always daven with a minyan and to constantly be feeling that if they engage in anything that is not connected to Torah learning, they might be doing Bitul Torah.
I can appreciate the burden this places upon orthodox religious men. Having said that, I cannot condone the behavior of my husband who has abused us because of his belief that we were not adhering to every letter of the law. The hypocrisy makes me feel angry and sad and that I could not protect myself and my children from his rage.
I think one of the most difficult parts of his anger was when he punished me for the "sins" of my children. Sometimes it was an article of clothing that someone was wearing that he didnt like, (not tznius enough) or sometimes a child looked at him in a way he interpreted as chutzpah. Whatever it was that upset him, he did not have the ability to communicate in a healthy way with said child. There were times when he would shout and berate and humiliate the child, but mostly he would take it out on me.
He would shout and scream and say terrible things to me,
He would tell me that I am a terrible mother and that I do not know how to be "mechanech" my children, and that they would all go off the derech because I cannot control them.
There were times at the beginning of our marriage when he threw things at me because that was the only way he knew how to communicate what he was feeling.
In fact the opposite is true.
My children are well behaved and polite. They are caring and understanding and most often they reach out to the under-dogs in their social settings. When I go to PTA I only hear good things about my children. I think that their suffering has made them into stronger and more sensitive human beings.
Currently as a family (sans husband) we are relaxed and happy in each others company. It is strange or maybe not so strange that not one of us misses him. It comes to Shabbos and I invite guests. We talk and laugh and enjoy spending time with each other. No one minds that it is I who is making Kiddush or Lechem Mishna, and no one cares if we sing songs from MBC or even Matisyahu. The spirit of Shabbos permeates our home and we are happy and relaxed.
It is truly a miracle that Hashem has allowed us to experience the peacefulness of Shabbos. Even though I often believe that Hashem loves His people besides for me, my soul is slowly opening up to allow more and more of His light to seep deep into my being.