My dear husband neglected to pay the bill so my service was suspended. I felt extremely helpless when that occurred so suddenly. I have never been allowed to open mail or pay bills, so keeping tabs on bills etc is not something I even think about. I tried to get him to pay- through my attorney, but i wasn't successful. So I ended up having to pay for it myself with the few dollars he is giving me in child support. However the paying of the bill succeeded in allowing me to feel more empowered and more in control of my life.
Having said that the feeling of being helpless also triggered unhappy memories, some of which I would like to share.
I will go back a few years to my ex-husband.
As I have mentioned he did not need an excuse to get angry.
In hind sight and from reading literature about abusive people I have come to understand that his rage was what fueled his sexual appetite
Every time he was overcome with anger, and usually after he hit me, he needed to have sex. I have since heard that this behavior is common in sexual abusers.
So on this particular day, he found an excuse to get angry.
He had a "punishment" all planned in order to fulfill his needs.
He took me into our bedroom, instructed me to undress and lie on the bed. He then pulled out a piece of rope and began to tie my legs and wrists to the bed.
He was smiling to himself as he did it.
I did not struggle.
I knew it would not help me, because even if I succeeded in getting away- eventually I would have to come back, and then who knows what "fun" he would dream up.
So there I was spreadeagled on my bed, in my bedroom,.
It was the middle of the day, and the sun was shining through the window. I lay there thinking about all the people walking by on the street outside my window- people who had no idea that there was a woman behind that window in the process of being raped.
It was an odd feeling, to know that the world was moving by right outside my window; kids going to school, women going shopping, mail man delivering letters....,
As I lay on the bed, my mind began to stray, and all of a sudden I felt as though my body was rising and I was floating gently upwards.
I hovered against the ceiling, and watched in horror at the scene unfolding before my eyes.
She lay on the bed naked and shivering arms and legs tied to the bed posts.
He walked up to her and smiled, but his eyes remained blue and cold.
He did not bother to undress, just pulled down his pants in one swift motion. He then lowered himself on top of her. The girl on the bed lay motionless, I felt so sorry for her, I felt her pain yet I could do nothing to help her.
I watched from above as the bed moved under his weight, while she lay, eyes closed as still as death. He wanted something different this time. He wanted to lower himself into her mouth. As she became aware of what he wanted, her eyes flew open and she began to pull against the ropes that bound her.
I knew that she would not allow him to do this thing to her. In the depths of her consciousness, in the far recesses of her mind, she recalled another time in a different place in the distant past. She began to remember that someone else had done this to her when she was a little girl.
She could not recall the identity of the rapist, but she knew with strong certainty that she would never allow this to happen again.
And so she fought and struggled.
She moved her head from side to side so that he could not do what he desired.
I hovered above, watching and hoping that she would succeed. I silently cheered her on.
He put up a good fight, but she did too, and she won.
When he became tired he gave up.
But he was angry.
He jumped off the bed, pulled up his pants, turned to her in disgust and marched out of the room leaving her still bound to the bed.
She lay there exhausted but glad that she had fought and won.
Slowly I moved back down towards her body and settled myself back into her brain.
The sun moved slowly past my window, and the shadows on the wall grew longer.I shivered, as the temperature in the room dropped. Evening arrived and the window turned dark. I cannot recall how long I lay there waiting to be released. Sadness filled my heart and I felt helpless and hopeless that I would ever escape from this madman. He returned much later to untie me. I moved my stiff limbs and unfolded myself from the bed. My movements were slow as I got dressed and even though I was only 19 years old, I felt as though i had reached 100.I could not talk for a long time after that experience. To this day whenever I describe this experience, I talk about it in a sort of jovial manner. I feel no connection to what happened, after all it didnt really happen to "me", I was just the fly on the wall.