I got my civil divorce today. This is a huge accomplishment and milestone. I have heard from many women that it takes years for them to get divorced.
No Get, but I am hoping that will happen soon.
I have been so angry with religion, but lately I have been seeing Yad Hashem in my divorce process. Is there a difference between religion and G-d?
I know there must be, but I am not so clear on how that would work.
My husbands family (and mine too) are very frum. Yet they act in ways that are clearly against any moral standard that I have been taught.
I have learned from when I was a small child; “Derech Eretz Kodmo L’torah”- which I understand to mean that treating others with dignity and respect comes before learning Torah. Does that mean that if you do not act with “Derech Eretz” then your Torah knowledge is worthless?
And if I believe that Hashem loves me and has helped me and even saved my life on some occasions, does that mean I have to wash Neigel Vasser, and make a brocho before I eat, and say Asher Yotzar?
Lots of questions.
Not that many answers.
It is okay though, because I am feeling a lot more optimistic than I have in a long time. I am beginning to see a life ahead, a future. Part of my experience with PTSD was that I had great difficulty in seeing the future. I could not plan ahead because I didn’t believe I was going to be alive. I didn’t believe I would pass certain milestones in my life, or that my kids would grow and eventually marry and live their own lives. There were times when I could not see to the end of the week. I had trouble shopping for Shabbos on Wednesday or Thursday because I couldn’t think that far ahead.
Today I can see past tomorrow and beyond.
I do not envision how my life will be.
But I know that there is a life,
And very soon I will find it.