How naive and wrong am I.
Of course the abuse I suffered as a child is the very thing I need to confront in order to fully heal.
I must confess however that it seems a lot easier to analyse and share the story of the two abusive husbands I married. Admitting that my own father forced me to engage in oral sex at the age of 5, is far too horrific for me to contemplate. I would much rather believe that "it" never happened and that my father loved me the same as all the fathers' of my friends loved them.
Alas, deep down I know the truth.
I know it deep inside my soul.
Yet logically I can make no sense of it.
I realize though that as long as I do not own up to the fact that my father sexually abused me in a manner too horrible to even contemplate- I am doomed to a life of further abuse and suffering.
Thank you Benjamin for pushing the issue to the forefront.
3:52 PM (18 hours ago)
Debbie, I'm so glad this conversation is helping you.
I hear you about the kids, about how you need to take them into consideration when deciding upon a derech. I don't mean to pretend that I have the answers for you, but I do think it's good to remind you that you do have a choice; somehow, when a person realizes, "I've chosen to stay where I am", it makes things easier because you know that you were not forced to stay, but rather chose to stay.
'Choice' is a remarkably important concept for those of us who were controlled and abused at one point in life.
Certainly, you may post my email on your blog - and it's OK to print my name, if you care to.
I'd like to say one more thing, and if I've crossed a boundary here please just totally ignore me or tell me to mind my own business. I've noticed that you are currently focused on the abuse perpetrated upon you by your two ex-husbands - and that is fine. Nothing wrong with that. I'd just like to remind you (I'm sure you know this all too well) that the actual 'core issue' is the child abuse you experienced; the spousal abuse was an extension of that original abuse. It was, for instance, the child abuse history that 'allowed' you to stay with your abusive husbands for so long.
So, eventually, you will want to deal with the child abuse in therapy. Eventually. When you are ready. In the meantime, I might remind you that if you were to get involved with another man prior to dealing with the child abuse history, you could very well repeat history and end up with another abusive husband; we survivors tend to repeat ourselves until we deal with our core issues.
I hope you will hang on to my email address and write if you ever need support.
Hope that helps. I feel privileged to know you, and I wish you all the best.