I have pondered long and hard whether to share the following with you- my readers. I worry that it is too graphic, but then I recall that I have shared some pretty descriptive stuff with you. I am scared too that the shame i feel will become a thousand fold when I put this out in public. Lately there have been approximately a thousand readers who follow my blog every day. I am glad there are so many of you out there, but does that mean my shame increases according to the amount of people who are reading? Of course that idea is completely illogical and really makes no sense at all. So why do I hesitate? Perhaps because the following account made me feel so humiliated and degraded that when I dare to read it over the old feelings come rushing back. I also have great fear that you will look down on me and judge me for "allowing" M to do these things to my body. What does it say about a person who cannot protect themselves from perverted and disgusting behaviors? Why didn't I stop him? Why wouldn't I escape? These are all questions which circle around and around in my brain, for which I have no reasonable answers.
Having said all the above, I have made a decision to share my experience in the hopes that when my words float into cyberspace and my pain is heard and hopefully understood by many, it might lessen the horrible shame I feel about what happened. Also- and I hope it is not necessary, but if any one of you is experiencing something similar perhaps you will realize that you do not deserve to be treated like an animal and that you have a right speak up and protect yourself.
(The following happened when I was married to my first husband [please dont confuse with my current husband] in 1990)
Deep, thick black hopeless shame,
travelling through my mind,
slipping down my neck
easing its way into my chest
and on down towards the rest of my body.
He instructs me to lay a blanket on the floor of the bathroom.
Smooth and flat, he says.
A trickle of fear eases into my brain,
my skin feels cold.
What does he want from my body now, I wonder.
He notices that I have paused.
This is his cue that I need a little pushing.
In his hand the phone is ready.
He begins to punch in the numbers,
"No!" I plead,
"Please dont tell anyone, please!"
I am begging.
His blue eyes glint, and he continues to dial.
I am crying now,
tears course down my cheeks,
and I whimper, "Please dont tell anyone what you are doing to me, Im too ashamed, I will do whatever you say"
He catches my words as soon as they tumble out of my mouth,
he knows what to do with them.
They are his direct passage to infliction of shame and humiliation upon my body.
His voice, gruff now in control.
"Undress!" he demands.
And I comply because shame and fear overwhelm me.
He lies down on the blanket and gestures for me to lie on top of him.
The tiles under my bare feet are cold and hard.
A small sound escapes my lips,
I bite my tongue,
he hates noise.
He wants me to lie on top of him
and he is telling me to pee on him while he is inside me.
My brain does not comprehemd.
What is this?
But i know that questions are not permitted,
so the words remain crushed in the turmoil of my brain.
I do as he says,
But when it comes to my having to urinate
I try and try, and nothing happens.
I cannot do it.
"Do it!", he screams.
My insides squirm and twist, but my body refuses to produce what he wants.
He is angry now, and the skin on his face is red and blotchy.
Fear and panic rip through my brain,
yet my body remains still,
unresponsive to my need.
All of a sudden I feel a warm wetness flow onto the cold skin of my stomach,
an ugly smell seeps into my nostrils.
I look at him and his harsh laugh squeezes through his pale lips.
"You didnt do it, so i did it for you", he smiles.
He jumps up and pushes my body to the floor.
He has finished.
My mind turns inwards,
and naked and cold i crawl into a corner of the room
where I wait patiently until he has finished showering.
He steps out of the shower and barks at me to clean up the mess.
I move my head in assent and he marches out of the bathroom.
Slowly I pull myself up
the skin on my body shivering.
I stare at the soggy blanket, the stench overwhelming my senses.
And as i stand alone in the silence of the room
shame and sorrow envelop my being, penetrating deep inside me,
seeping into my heart.
with shame and disgust,
I look down at myself,
at the body which has caused me so much pain.
I do not understand the meaning of what he has done to me,
and there is no one to ask,
the questions twist and turn in my mind
until i can no longer make sense of the words.
Afterwards he makes me wash the blanket in the bath.
And as I lean over the tub
scrubbing away the reminder of my shame,
i feel wet tears slide down my cheeks.
Their saltiness merge with the water, falling into its soapy warmth
into the dark emptiness to a place
where no human will ever find them.