Why do I seek assistance from the very people who choose not to help me? This is not the first time I have done that. During my marriage to M I did the same thing. Every time he hit me I called his mother!
How stupid of me to look for help from his mother whose only interest was to protect her son. It is something I need to think about, because I have been moving in similar directions again in the present.
I feel fearful that once the order of protection is lifted, my husband will have more access to me and my children. I feel great fear about what he is capable of doing when he gets angry. Instead of reaching out to friends or to my lawyer, I call HIS family, and ask them to help us. It seems that I do not learn from my mistakes. I think that I still have faith in humanity and I believe that his brothers and sisters will see how bad he has been and will want to reach out to their nieces and nephews (and even me) and help them.
Alas this is all but a fantasy and it is not happening. I need to stop asking for their help, and go to the people who actually want to help me.
PTSD symptoms have been rearing their ugly heads this week. I wonder if it has anything to do with some medication that I abruptly stopped taking. I have been taking a really awesome medication for about a year now. For those of you who use cutting as a defense mechanism, and you want to stop, this medication really works well. I don’t want to mention the name on this blog, because I am not a doctor, but I will say that taking these meds have reduced my urges to almost zero. It is pretty amazing that I have had this addiction for most of my life, and I am very nearly completely cured. I believe that it is also due to my hard work in therapy- working on the issues removes the emotional pain which is what causes me to cut in the first place. However the medication really played a big role in this part of my healing.
The reason why I stopped cold turkey is because my pharmacy informed me that they can no longer acquire this particular drug. I was shocked because it had never occurred to me that I would be forced to stop a medication because it was no longer available!
I had no choice.
I had finished my months’ supply, and I couldn’t obtain a refill. The urges returned quite quickly, and I felt shaky and my body went from hot to cold in quick succession. I experience some difficulty in being aware of physical discomfort as opposed to emotional pain. This is part of the dissociation people get when they have suffered sexual abuse (or other abuses) as children. Often their minds and bodies feel completely separate. I have become much better at identifying the physical from the emotional. Identifying feelings is a very helpful way to work on the challenge of self -awareness.
I feel stupid when I call my doctor and explain the symptoms I am having, and then he tells me that this medication does not have those side effects so it’s probably all in my mind. Therefore I avoid contacting my Doctor for as long as possible, which is a bad idea when it comes to psychiatry. Depression can escalate quite quickly, and if one is not careful it can turn into a disaster.
I finally did reach my doctor, and together we were able to locate a place where they have the medication i needed. So now I can taper off slowly the way it should have been done originally.
I do feel much better.
Is it a placebo effect?
Or is it real?
Does it even matter?