Open Letter to Daddy Dear

Dear Daddy,

I wish I had the courage to actually send this letter to you. I wish I had the courage to say these words face to face, but I don't so instead I write anonymously.

I have spoken to you before, but only in my head. I have things to say that I have never verbalized. There are words rushing around inside me, words which I have tried so hard to suppress, words I wish did not need to be said, words which cause my heart to stop just by thinking of them.

But today, they must come out. I will no longer allow these words to stay stuck inside like a festering wound.

This a long introduction, and I wonder if its because I am really loathe to put my feelings out there. Black and white. I am scared. I am frightened of how I will feel when I say these words to you. But I will. I will do it for myself. I will do it, because it must be done.

I will do it, because you can't hurt me anymore.
I am an adult. I have control, and I will not let you hurt me.

This is really difficult for me to say. But I am strong and I will say it.
There is a terrible rage deep inside my heart. An anger so profound that its intensity frightens me.

When I first recalled that it was you, I refused to allow my mind to believe it.
I called my therapist and told her that I cannot live and "know" at the same time.
If I "know" I die.
But I am alive.
And I "know".
She cared, and so I am alive.

She cared. A stranger.
You didn't care. My father.

As I write these words, a great tide of emotion wells up inside. Sadness.
Deep sorrow for the daddy I never had.
When I first remembered what you did to me, the worst feeling was the sense of betrayal.

I always wanted you to love me.
I wanted to be a little girl whose father cared about her.
But you didn't.
You couldn't.
And you wouldn't.

You wouldn't get the help you needed so that your daughter could survive.
I thought I was special.
I believed that when you crept into my room at night that I was daddy's special little girl.
You loved me. Daddy you really loved me. Just not in the right way. and that bad love destroyed me.

I never had a chance after that.
You destroyed my Neshomo, because you couldn't control yours.
I was only five years old.
An innocent child.
You were a man.
And you destroyed me.

Your few moments of selfishness are my endless years of suffering.
You stole my childhood.
Every child deserves to be one, don't you think?

I believed I did not deserve even the most natural thing.
To be a child.

You took that part of me, and you can never give it back.

Why Daddy?
Why Daddy dear?

Why did you hate me so?
I was your baby daughter. 
Don't you remember?
You said you loved me. 
Don't you remember?

But you lied.
And you continue to lie.

I am nothing to you am I?
you don't even bother calling me anymore.

Why?
Is it because you are ashamed?
Are you scared I might tell someone?
Are you afraid of Hashems anger when you die?
Are you thinking of the punishment you deserve?

It is not too late Daddy.

I still love you, do you know that?
For all the pain and suffering you have caused, stupid me still cares about her selfish father.

I HATE myself for still needing you.
I am stupid and wicked for still wanting a daddy.

But I do.

I am full of rage, yet I still care about you.

There is still time father dear.
As long as you are alive there is time for forgiveness.

Don't wait.
It might be too late.

I don't want you to be punished in Olam Haboh.

Please .
Don't wait.
It might be too late.