Dear Teacher Why Did You Sexually Abuse Me?

Dear teacher,

I came to you seeking something  like a flower seeks the air to grow.
 I came to you yearning for the connection and the trust one can have with a teacher as trustworthy and clever and warm as you.  A trust I couldn't have with my own parents. 

I came to you, blind to your many faults and wearing rose tinted glasses because I believed you were my savior and could be there for me no matter what I told you, no matter how much I needed you...

You did all that, you were warm and caring, yet our journey was rocky.
 I was more strong willed than you thought, because I didn't yet trust you so you pushed me away. You made sure to pointedly ignore me, be mean, manipulate my friendships and destroy my sense of self and self esteem. I didn't want to be pulled back in, I was my own person, I didn't like you any more, I saw from a different angle how you lied and used people for your own benefits. (little did I know yet how bad...) So I resisted and we traveled on a path of close, not close, close, not close for 3 years on and off, till the year I finished school.

I began to teach and I reached great heights but for some reason you couldn't even compliment me. I felt as though I had  offended you by my success at becoming a great teacher.

But  I still came to you for help and confided in you.

 I wasn't coping at home, life was hard, my mother was mentally ill, my father a bystander, and I the peace maker between everyone. School was my refuge, my safe place, where I could be myself, where I could smile, where I could shine and feel the love of my students. 

But I was extremely stressed which you knew.  You knew how hard I found it to connect to others yet you managed to get into my heart despite any earlier misgivings I had. You managed to stick yourself inside my head and my heart. 

And then the horror began. You slowly began to touch me, casually, so it seemed. I would come to you for help in preparing a lesson and you would sit close and make sure I felt your hand. I didn't realise what you were leading up to, what I was getting myself into.. I thought it was all your way of showing love, as you said over and over.

I was naive, I hadn't experienced much physical love from my parents, I associated touch negatively in the form of slaps, pinches and the like so I generally resisted touch. And you knew that.

It was 7 weeks before my wedding, I came as a young teacher to a camp for the high school. I was so excited to get away from home yet so stressed because of all that was going on. I really needed the break.

You somehow maneuvered the set up so that I should share a room with you.  I was wary but didn't have a say in the matter. I went into our room to rest when I was not needed at my job, and in you came. You claimed it was a massage for my stomach because you could feel how tense I was. 

I resisted with my hands but you were stronger. 

And from then on I was yours..because I couldn't say no..


All these incidents flying around in my head until the day I came to visit you when I was 4 months pregnant...to this day I don't know why I came but i did.

You knew I was pregnant but you still lay your big fat body upon mine, you didn't care for my unborn baby, I was shocked, you were harming it with your weight.. I realized then you don't care for me at all but for yourself.

I am dying to ask you, why? 

I am dying to ask you how? 

I need to know so badly how you could destroy peoples lives so, and not think of the blind trust they had in you, how could you do it?

But instead I am left with questions and tremendous guilt that I couldn't help my vulnerable sister not get tangled in your spiders web, huge lack of trust, and memories that will never ever fade.