Cruel, evil, malicious world.
A world that seems merciless.
A world that seems horrible and daunting to endure.
I am a 16 years old and I go to a Bais Yaakov school. Ever since I was little I thought I was inherintly bad.
Just cuz I am. Just cuz I always will be. I accepted it as a fact of life and hated myself for it. That was normal up until about a year ago.
I looked up online what the symptoms of depression are. I recognized all those symptoms in me from the last day. I told my mother I wanted to see a psychiatrist.
I went for a blood test to see if it was physical and then to the psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with depression but said it wasn't necessarily something long term. He said it was likely to go away after a short time of therapy and I'd be fine. When a few months of therapy went by and I was still dismal and suicidal, the psychiatrist prescribed medication. I assumed my depression was just a clinical thing that must be genetic in my family and maybe as a result of some of my difficult life circumstances.
That was until I read a girl's molestation story. When I finished reading the story, I realized in shock that I was molested. I mustered up the courage (it took months to do this) and told my therapist what my thoughts were. She said she thought that all along and was waiting for me to feel comfortable telling her about it.
That was where the healing process began. Upon tweaking of my medication to stabilize me and in depth discussion in therapy of the molestation that occured, I began to recognize who I am. There are many other things that I suspect happened before an age that I can remember by people who I'm unsure of.
One things for sure, I will do anything to protect those I love from molestation. Honestly, I don't understand how molestation affects a person so much but one thing I must say: it destroys lives. Many times I have attempted suicide which to my disappointment didn't work. I struggle to accept that I'm alive every day.
I curse Hashem sometimes. I don't believe in him other times. And sometimes I curse myself. Please world, do whatever you can to protect your children. And dear teachers, don't judge your students. I didn't do my homework and failed my test because I was crying myself to sleep after a failed suicide attempt. Fellow teenagers, the reason I'm not a cute popular girl isn't that it isn't in me. I wish I had the confidence to get up there and cheer. But I don't. And don't judge me for that. Please don't!
I'm on the path to recovery however I'm not close to finished.
I want those out there in similar situations to know that they are in my prayers and heart.